How Can I Live Without You
by Maxy0008
Summary: Six tears ago he was left with nothing but a note, but when Koala comes back into his life, only for a moment Sabo's feelings come rushing back to him


_Sabo,_

 _Every morning I wake up and think "You are one lucky girl". You have made such an amazing impact on my life. I oftentimes find myself looking at you and telling myself that I don't deserve you. Last night, I went to bed knowing that I don't._

 _My entire life I have been nothing. I was raised to believe that I was to be perfect at every moment. If I messed up I got beat. So I trained myself to polite, and kind, perfect. But along with that there was fear, emptiness, and self hate. Yet, you were able to teach me that it was okay to be flawed. That despite my mistakes I was still good and I should be treated as such._

 _Thank you for being there to sooth me when those feelings returned. You shouldn't have to always wonder if I'm going to be okay. I may not know it at times, but I am okay._

 _You taught me that. I have learned to take the time to tell myself that I am worth something. Now I just have to go out there and make it true. So in order to do so I have to leave._

 _As you know I have been thinking about going to school, but I was never able to afford it. Well, I got a scholarship, and got accepted into a school. I would have told you, but it's across the country. Knowing you, you would have dropped everything to come with me. I couldn't let you do that. So I'm sorry._

 _Please understand, this is what I need to do. You can't give up the junkyard for me. You and Ace worked so hard to make that place what it is. And after Ace died that place became like a safe haven for you. It meant everything to you guys._

 _Then there's Luffy, god knows he needs you more than ever. After all, he is going to be a father soon. A great one no doubt, but is still a bit childish himself and might his big brother for support._

 _I love you Sabo. I love you more than I could have ever imagined loving a person, but I can't stay, and I can't bring you along. I'm sorry._

 _I have to go now. If I don't I'll never leave._

 _-Love always,_

 _Koala_

His thumb ran along the rim of his morning coffee while he rested his chin in the other. Holding his breath he closed his eyes trying to focus on the sounds of his brother and niece playing instead of what was going on in front of him.

His sister-in-law had always been so critical of him and his choice to stay alone after all of these years. Now, she was standing in front of him, reading the note that broke his heart.

"Sabo," The calmness she carried as she said his name shocked him. He was preparing himself to be berated, not whatever this was. "You know this isn't healthy right?"

"Hm?" He grunted lazily opening his good eye to glance at the woman.

Shaking the letter in front of him she sat down across from him. "This."

Releasing the breath he had been holding Sabo reached out and took the letter. "Nami, I haven't even looked at this thing in ages."

Smiling softly Nami shook her head in disbelief. "Then why do you still have it?" She questioned. "And why was it sitting on the top of your drawer?"

"Because that's my junk drawer, and this" He stood up and shook the letter back at her. "Is junk." Moving over to the drawer he placed the letter back in the drawer before rummaging around and grabbing a elastic band. "You forgot what you were looking for." He said handing it to her.

Rolling her eyes the woman tied up her long orange hair. "And you didn't tell me why you still have that thing. It's been six years Sabo."

There it was. The feeling he had gotten so used to over the years was always so quick to return to him. The bleak nothingness that always stung his soul like the cold winter wind. Grabbing his cup he moved over to stand in front of the sink keeping his back towards his sister-in-law.

Honestly, he wasn't sure why he held onto the letter. So many time he had to tried to throw it away. He had crumbled it up so it often the paper was at the starting stages of falling apart. Finishing his coffee he placed his cup in the sink wondering if Nami could even tell that he had tried so many times before.

"Do you enjoy that feeling of anguish?" The feeling of her eyes on his back made the man uneasy.

Biting the side of his cheek his eyes scanned the kitchen that looked exactly the same as it did as the day Koala left. Grabbing the fabric that sat over his heart he sighed. Maybe he did enjoy it. Hell, it was better than feeling anything. Still, he couldn't tell his family about the numbness that had overtaken his life.

The thin woman let out a sigh. "Listen, your brother and I are worried. You can't keep hoping that one day she will come back." Standing up Nami made her way towards him placing her hand on his shoulder. "We only want you to be happy."

"Nami, I'm fine I really am." Sabo said softly. It wasn't like he ever expected the woman he loved to return him. Even if she did he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to let her back in. Sabo just didn't see the point in finding someone else to spend his life with. The only contentment he was when he was around his brothers small family and for him that was enough most days.

"Then why Sabo? Why do you do do this to yourself?"

Without an answer Sabo ran his hands back through his blonde curly hair. "What do you want me to say Nami?" He was sure to keep his voice calm despite his annoyance of the subject.

"I just," His sister-in-law paused before shaking her head and rolling her eyes. "I need you watch Lilly tomorrow. We have meeting I have to make it too at work and Luffy has to a 24 hour shift." She said dropping the subject.

He felt an instant sense of relief once she mentioned his niece. "I'd be happy too. I do have to go a couple hours away to grab a part but as long as you don't mind I'll bring her along."

Nami smiled at him before heading into the living room where he husband and daughter were still playing, oblivious to the conversation the two had just had. "I don't mind as long as you take her to do something fun."

Running his hand through his hair Sabo let out a sigh as Lilly started to cry. Bringing her along already had proved to be much more than he bargained for. His promise of food and adventure had calmed her down for a moment but as soon as the young girl learned that she would have to wait even longer she wasn't too happy. "Lilly, come on. It won't be much longer I promise. He just has to remove what I need and we will be on our way."

Rubbing her fists against her reddened eyes the young girl frowned heavily at her uncle. "You said that forever ago! I'm hungry and I wanna go play!"

Looking around Sabo shook his head. "Lilly, please stop crying." Luckily, the two were alone in the lobby of the auto shop as he tried to calm down his niece. "I know I said that before but I really mean it this time. We can go to the aquarium as soon as we are done. They even have a restaurant. Won't that be fun?"

Lilly took a deep breath before wrapping her arms around his leg. "Yeah, but I don't wanna wait forever." she sniffled.

"You won't Lilly Billy." Sabo said as he patted her head.

The instant the small girl saw a man walk towards the front counter she started to jump in excitement. "Can we go play now?" Lilly asked as she yanked on her uncle's pants.

Smiling down at the girl Sabo nodded as he thanked the man serving him. "Let's go."

Holding onto his niece's hand Sabo ran his free hand through his hair. The bleakness had snuck up and swallowed him once again. ' _Come on Sabo, most people would be happy to spend the day with their niece. What the hell is wrong is with you.'_ Shaking his head the blond man glanced down at Lilly unable to understand why he wasn't he wasn't happy to be here with her. Guilt began to fuse it's way into the emptiness that overtook him as he watched his niece bouncing around as she rambled on about the fish. "Lilly, are you excited?" Sabo asked as he reached down to pick her up as the two got close to the aquarium. "Because you know, if you aren't I can always take you hom-"

Lilly growled at him quickly cutting him off. "Don't even say that! You know I love the fishes! One day I'm gonna sail all over the ocean, but I can't right now so seeing the fishies is the closest my mommy will let me get!"

"Okay, okay." Sabo laughed opening the door with his niece still in his arms. "I'll take you to see the fish."

Setting the girl down he watched as black pig tails ran down the hall as her head darted back and forth trying to take in all of the sea creatures. Shoving his hands in his pockets he followed her at a steady pace. Guilt still plagued his mind, however he would never let his niece know that he wasn't happy to be here. He wasn't even sure if happy was the right word to use. He wasn't quite sure what he wanted to feel but this wasn't it. "Lilly, be sure to stay where I can see alright!" He yelled as Lilly began to get a little too far.

The small girl turned and gave him a big smile along with a thumbs up as she stopped and pressed her face against the glass. She was definitely her father's daughter. Chuckling Sabo thought of his childhood. The adventure and fun himself and his brothers once had. He missed those days.

It took almost an hour for the two to make it to the restaurant due to Lilly constantly stopping to look at each interesting fish she saw and Sabo reading her the description of each one. "Lilly, look we can even eat with the fish around us." Sabo said as he pointed to the restaurant in front of them.

"I'm gonna get a hamburger!" Lilly shouted grabbing his hand as she pulled him towards their next destination.

Paying for the food the two sat at a table that gave Lilly access to look at the aquarium from all angles. Knowing how fast the little one ate Sabo figured it would be best for her to have things to look at while he still ate. Which of course ended up being the case.

Glancing up at his niece Sabo noticed a perplexed look on her face as if she was trying to solve something. Worried Sabo quickly swallowed his food and asked if she was doing okay.

"Um, Uncle Sabo? I think the lady who is in all those pictures at your house is over there." Leaning to her right Lilly pointed behind the blonde man causing him to turn around. "See she has the same blue eyes as that lady in those pictures."

The feeling of nausea instantly formed in his stomach as he laid eyes on the woman Lilly had be pointing too. Sure enough Lilly was right. It was _her._

The sandy brown locks that she used to keep in a sleek bob was now piled in a messy long bun on the top of her head. She had looked thinner than she used to be but there was no doubt that that woman was her. The way her nose curved up, her dark blue eyes that almost looked black and her smile that made her face light up. Jt so easy for her to be recognised. At least to Sabo who had still been seeing her in his dreams. Quickly turning back to Lilly Sabo shook his head back and forth quickly.

Squinting her eyes Lilly studied the woman behind him. "Don't believe you. I'm going to go find out." Getting out of her seat Lilly started off towards her before Sabo had the chance to stop her.

Sabo sat there in a moment of horror before turning his head to towards his niece. She was so much like her parents that it drive him nuts. "Lilly" he hissed quietly hoping she would hear him. "Get back here now!" His body began to twitch before he jumped up to run after her, but by the time he got up Lilly had already made it to the woman.

Grabbing his hair Sabo bit down on the side of his cheek. Despite his quick breath he felt like he wasn't breathing as his heart slammed into his chest. His feeling of nausea only worsened as Lilly pointed over at him causing him to make eye contact with his ex lover.

Forcing a smile Sabo released a chunk of his hair as he waved at them as his forearms still rested on top of his head. This had to have been his hell. He wanted nothing more than to grab Lilly and run away but he knew it was too late for that as Lilly grabbed onto the woman's hand bringing her over to him.

Kneeling down Sabo tried to avoid eye contact with Koala and only focus on Lilly. He had to try to get them out there. He just didn't know how to go about it without causing an uproar from Lilly. "Hey! Her name is Koala, just like the lady from the pictures."

' _Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.'_ Clenching his teeth he closed his eyes for moment. There was no turning back now. Lilly mentioning those damn photo's ruined any plan of him pretending not to recognize her.

"Hi Sabo." The softness in her tone was just as it once was. However, the soothing effect that her voice once had on him now only brought him closer to having a nervous breakdown.

Slowly opening his eyes he was greeted with the deep ocean like eyes he would drown in. "Hey Koala. I'm really sorry about her." He spoke with trembled works. "We, uh have to go. I forgot I need to pick up something for the junkyard in about an hour."

"But we already picked up what you-" Quickly Sabo wrapped his niece in his arms cutting off her sentence.

"No, no this is a different part. I totally forgot." He said as he rushed away from the woman who now not only broke his heart but created a nervous wreck.

The car was silent after Lilly cried herself to sleep. Sabo's heart ached at the sound of his nieces screams but he how could he answer her questions if he didn't even know the answers? She wanted to know why he ran away, and how come he couldn't talk to Koala if he loved her. She didn't understand why she wasn't allowed to finish looking at the fish. Mostly, she was angry because he promised her a day of fun and instead she got at most an hour.

Clenching the steering wheel his eyes burned with emotion. Granted, he did want to feel something again, but this wasn't it. Confusion, hurt, anger, guilt, fear, but mostly he felt pathic.

How could a woman he hadn't seen in six years still have this hold on him? How could the one thing he had hoped for since the day she left bring him to the brink of tears? How come no matter how hard he tried he still couldn't move on?

It wasn't as if he wasn't appealing to women. He stood just over six feet, muscular, yet slender in frame. His curly blonde hair rained down the side of his sharp face stopping just where his smile ended, but he knew what women liked most about him. It was his eyes, behind the obsidian color was the story of a broken man. The scar that covered his left eye only brought him more attention, which he didn't mind on his lonelier nights.

Still, the other women who came into his life left just as quickly as they entered only leaving him craving to feel loved again.

So why? Why did he always hurt the woman who could have given him that? Nami was right. This wasn't healthy.

"Shit." He muttered under his breath as his sister-in-law crossed his mind. He was going to have to face her about what had happened. He knew that Lilly would bring up what happened today and he knew that it would better for Nami to hear it from him instead of a five year old girl.

The sight of Nami's car in the driveway forced a huffed of breath to leave him. He was aware that what was going to happen next wasn't going to be pleasant in anyways. Pressing his palm against his forehead Sabo tried to come up with a way to avoid all of this.

The idea of waking up the five year old and sending her inside alone was quickly shook away. No matter how badly he wanted to run, but he knew couldn't. This was something he was going to have to face and there was no way around it.

Unbuckling his seat belt he got out of the car. His eyes glanced towards the front door before removing the sleeping child from his truck thanking the heavens that he wouldn't have to face his brother and his overbearing wife.

Slowly, the man forced himself towards the front door. His mind was screaming for him to turn away but ignored the thought.

Taking the first step on the porch the door opened to greet him with a look if confusion.

"What brings you back so early? You told me you wouldn't be back until 9. It's only 6:30." He could feel a burning on his skin as she focused on him.

Brushing off her question Sabo slide past her placing Lilly gently on the couch. Uncomfort engulfed the room like flames. Never taking her eyes off of him Nami crossed her arms almost as if she was trying to read his mind.

Despite knowing the consequences of not explaining himself to her, he just couldn't do it. Not today. This was all just too much to process. He didn't even know where to start.

She stayed quiet watching him until he made his way towards freedom.

"Sabo," the sternness in her voice stopped him in his tracks. "What happened?" She asked as he still refused to face her. "Did something happen to my daughter?"

Her question made him flinch. The fact that she thought something may have happened to Lilly overwhelmed him. "No." His head shook as he answered. "She's fine. Tell her I'm sorry for today? Alright?"

"No." She was angry. "You tell her. You told her you would spend the day with her just to bring her home early without saying good-bye. You have to be kidding me."

Teeth sank into the side of his cheek as he grabbed the doorknob. "I'll call you guys tomorrow.

In the blink of an eye Nami stepped in front of the door intercepting his escape. Her face full of concern she placed her hand on his shoulder softly squeezing it. "Your eyes are red." She tilted her head towards the mirror sitting on the wall next to them.

Turning his head away he closed his eyes rubbing them with his thumb and forefinger. He didn't need a mirror to tell him his eyes were red. That salty sting had been with him since he left the aquarium.

"Koala…" he finally admitted. "She was there. She works there."

"Where?" Nami asked. While his eyes remained closed he was aware of the puzzled look he was on the receiving end of.

"The aquarium. I took Lilly and she was working there." His voice cracked with his words. "It's not even two hours away."

Pulling his hand away from his face he balled it into a fist. "Do you think she's always been this close? Do you think it was-" Choking on his words the tears he had been trying to avoid came forth. "Do you think it was my fault?"

Nami's arms wrapped around him as if she was comforting a small child. "It wasn't your fault Sabo. None of this was your fault."

"Then why?" He muttered in between broken breaths. "Why didn't she come back?" Standing in her hold his face became wet from tears. "What did I do?" He her meekly. "What did I do for her not to even reach out to me?"

After a reassuring hush she rubbed his back. "It wasn't you Sabo." She told him in her attempt to soothe the crying man. "It wasn't your fault okay? It wasn't you."

"You know, maybe the reason you haven't been able to move on is because you never to the closure you deserved. Maybe, now you can go and finally get closure."

Wiping his eyes Sabo took a deep breath turning away from Nami in embarrassment. He couldn't imagine going out of his way to talk to Koala. It seemed so frightening to him. "I'll call you tomorrow." He said again as he left the house.

It was going to storm. The way the pressure in the air had dropped, the cool breeze, the fact that the sky had a eerie shine to it despite it being almost 11 at night. All perfect indicators of the impending storm.

Lifting his face towards the sky a broken chuckle left his lips. "Typical," he said to himself. Hr didn't want to be home, because it reminded him to much of her. He didn't want to be at his brothers house because all Luffy and Nami would want to do is talk about her. He couldn't go to his shop because she helped him build it.

And now his haven of the outside world was no longer becoming an option for him.

Maybe, he finally thought, Nami was right. This empty feeling was never going to go away. At least not until he talked to Koala. A stinging sensation took over his forehead as the palm of his hand slammed into it. How was he going to talk to her now? He made a fool of himself by running away.

He waited until the last possible moment before he went home. It wasn't until the roads were barely visible that he decided that it was finally time to go back to his, no their home. It took him longer than it normally would, but it wasn't something he was upset about. The longer it took the better.

The less he'd have to be around her presence and longer he could postpone enviable heartbreak that would come with it.

Expect nothing ever works out how he planned. Because as he pulled into his driveway he was greeted by those dark eyes.

Sabo's heart came to a screeching stop. His stomach crawled up into his throat. There was no way, she couldn't have been sitting on the porch, soaked, waiting for him to come home. He had to be seeing things. The bottom of his palm rubbed at his good eye in hopes that what he saw would just disappear, but it didn't.

Koala was there, and there was no avoiding here.

"I was starting to think you didn't live here anymore. That would have been awkward." Koala said through a toothy smile as Sabo approached the porch.

In that instant all of his anxiety and sadness formed into a bellowing anger. Where he should have felt concern for her soaking wet clothes, he felt annoyance by the fact that was stayed despite the rain. Where he should have felt discomfort for being alone with her, face to face, he just felt frustration that it took this long. "Why are you here?" His voice filled the same bitterness that he was feeling.

The smile on Koalas face fell into sadness. Crossing her arms she held onto herself, just barely able to hold her together. "I wasn't going to come. I really wasn't, but before I knew it I was on bus here and by the time I released what I was even doing I thought it would be stupid to turn back. Then you weren't home, and it started raining, and I don't have a key anymore, so I couldn't go in." A shivering sigh left her lips that caused a pang to shot through Sabo's heart. "But the rain got so heavy that I didn't think I should walk so I just kind of stayed."

Rolling his eyes he unlocked the door and held it open. Watching as Koala entered he followed and closed the door behind them. "Okay, so now that you're here, what do you want from me? Do you want me to forgive you for tearing my life into pieces with one note? Do you want to me confirm the fact that long distance wouldn't have worked for us? Or are you just here to fucking hurt me all over again?"

She didn't answer him. Instead, she let her eyes wander around the living room, her fingers running along the wall of their photos together. "Everything here is the same…" She whispered. Pulling her fingers from the wall she started peeling the light pink polish from her nails. A habit that she still hadn't broke.

Rolling his eyes Sabo scoffed and walked to the bedroom only to return a moment later with a towel, one of his shirts and a pair of sweatpants with a drawstring. "Here."

Pressing her lips together tightly she nodded. "Thanks Sabo." Pausing, her eyes darted towards the bathroom door, then back at him. "I'm going to go change then we can talk okay?"

"Fine." Closing his eyes Sabo let his head fall back and pressed his hands into his eyes. This was crazy, Koala was really here and now he had to talk to her.

After a few minutes she walked out of the bathroom, and she looked as beautiful as ever. He had always loved when she wore lounging clothes, but her hair draped around her shoulders just made it all more enticing.

Taking a deep breath Koala plopped down on couch and brushed sticky wet strands of hair from her face. "So, this is pretty awkward isn't it?" She was picking at her nail polish again.

Sabo nodded as he sat down next to her, his anger slowly fading with each second. "Yeah." He agreed. "It really is." Sighing again he looked over at her. "Koala? Why are you here? Seriously?"

"When I saw you today it was like everything that has been missing inside of me for the past six years went away." Pulling her legs up to the couch she held onto them and rested her chin on her knees. "And for the first time in forever I felt complete. Then you ran away and in an instant I felt the emptiness again. You don't have to forgive me. I know I left in the worst way possible, but I just needed to tell you I'm sorry."

Leaning forward Sabo rested his elbows on his knees. "Was it worth it?"

"No. School was hell and the only place I could get a a job was at a aquarium. I thought I would be saving whales, and studying fish, not giving tours to school children." Koala squeezed her knees closer to her body. "Everything in my life since I left had been nothing but a mistake." Her voice cracked. "I tried to come back Sabo, but I kept telling myself that you would have moved on. I thought that maybe by now, you have a wife, maybe a kid or two, but in all honestly I was just scared."

"I was scared too Koala." Sabo kept his head down, he couldn't make eye contact when he knew she was on the verge of tears. "The day I got that note I felt like my entire life shattered. I called everyone we talked too and tried to find out if anyone knew what school accepted you, or even if they knew what area you where going too. For weeks, I couldn't sleep, or eat because I was terrified of what could have happened to you. But do you want to know what hurt me more than getting my heartbroken by a note?"

Koala let out a shaky breath. "What?"

"The fact that after ten years of us being inseparable you just left. Then I was alone and I had no way to make sure you were okay. That fucking sucked Koala, I spent every day thinking of all of the bad things that could have happened to you." Sabo sat up and brushed his hair back. "But even more than that it was the fact that I missed you."

Koala bit her lip. "I'm sorry." Slowly she leaned over towards him and put her head on his back. "I'm so sorry."

The feeling of Koala laying on his back was warm, familiar even. He missed it, and no matter how angry he was, or how hurt he was, he couldn't help but to feel comfort with her there. "Koala," He whispered letting her stay there. "I spent 6 years waiting for this moment. It was pathetic, but I could never see myself loving anyone but you."

"I don't think I'd ever be able to love anyone else either." She said running her fingers along the spine of his back.

When Sabo went to sit up Koala moved for a moment only to lay on his lap. "I…" Sabo sighed and twirled her hair around his finger. "I forgive you." It may have been a mistake, but he couldn't help it. She made him weak.

Koala broke down, she was sobbing now. "I was such a shitty girlfriend. I shouldn't have just up and left you. It was so wrong of me, you really don't have too-"

"Stop. Koala, stop. I don't have to do anything, I forgive you."

She sat up and stared at him. "Why?"

"Because I love you." Sabo told her. "I've loved you for as long as I can remember and my life without you was empty." He stared down at her, softly wiping her tears away. "I was going to propose to you ya know?"

Blinking at him Koala sat up, her wide blue eyes shaded with red stared at him. "What?"

Sabo nodded. "Yeah, I had everything planned. I was going to take you out on a hike, and do it on the top of the trail that you liked to climb. Had the ring and everything."

Then Sabo was blessed with the most beautiful sound in the world. Her laughter, though he couldn't understand why she was laughing. "God, I am such an idiot!" Pushing herself up from his lap she held onto her stomach as she laughed. "I was so sure that everything I wanted was out there, but it was here. It was right here."

Sabo tilted his head at her. "What?"

"Nothing. Nothing, God Sabo." Wiping the tears from her eyes she wrapped her arms around him. "I missed you."

He didn't say it back. He didn't have to, the way he held her back, should have been enough to let him know much he missed her. It was tight, protective, and loving. "So, you aren't going to leave again?"

"Nope, never."


End file.
